So today was a pretty shitty day, went to bed last night so excited to finally film a YouTube video that was going to be fun and pretty easy to get on with.  This morning was just grim, I had a dream about my Grandpa, a beautiful dream that reminded me of my happier childhood memories.  It was one of those dreams that was just surreal, I mean, I could feel the heat from the sun and I could smell the food I was cooking for my Gran.  His laughter, his voice and even the touch of his hand was very real!! But, I woke up and all the feelings that I’ve been keeping inside just seemed to want to come out as soon as I opened my eyes. The guilt of not seeing him or calling him enough, not being able to financially support him as he gets older, not being able to hug him when he’s been ill, he hasn’t met my son and that kills me!! I need to organise a trip right? All this hit me at once, it was heavy and overwhelming!!!

I tried my usual “ignore it, it’ll go away” technique, had a shower, put my makeup and outfit on, set up my camera and was ready to go.  I decided to take a few pictures for my thumbnail for my vid, I had a look at them and I could see the sadness in my eyes. That was it, I completely broke down. I sat on my bathroom floor and just bawled my eyes out. I sat there and thought about every situation I had no control over, my sisters living in different countries, my high school friends that I miss so much in South Africa, my old self….It was a lot to think about and my mind just couldn’t process it and for the first tim in a long, long time, I felt like I wasn’t enough. I know that’s not true but that’s what my mind was telling me Fake News I say!!

I turned my camera off and shoved it in my wardrobe so I could cry in peace, I felt as though my camera was watching and judging me, it wasn’t but I didn’t want an audience right now please and thank you!! I went onto my Facebook page and wrote what I was feeling because writing it down always makes things better. I didn’t blog it because I forgot my password for my blog page and I could feel myself about to lose all composure. I wrote it all and logged off from all my social media until I got myself together, which has taken all day to be honest. Here is the post for those that are not on my Facebook page:

Woke up feeling so sad today, I’m supposed to be filming a video that I had planned for in the week but I can’t smile through this feeling.

I had a dream about my Grandpa and I was cooking something for him. Went out into the garden, I could actually feel the sun on my skin and he kept saying how happy he was that I was there to see him. The rest of the family showed up and we had one big celebration and it felt so real ?

Today I miss home. I miss my Grandpa and my two annoying but beautiful older sisters. Every thought is making me tear up. It’s like my body and mind are just crippled in a little dark cloud, energy is low and nothing is going to make this go away.

But some things happened this morning that made me feel momentarily better:

– My cat came into my room and jumped in my bed for some serious snuggles ❤️

– I got some orders for my swimwear brand so I have to get busy packaging and labelling for postage tomorrow. How awesome is that!!

– I found new marigold gloves (my old ones were shocking) in the cupboard for today’s mad unplanned cleaning session as it’s my coping mechanism

– I got my old iPod to work and it has some great music on it so my gym session today will be amazing

I’m going to keep taking deep breaths and put Ibiza global radio on. Maybe I’ll keep tearing up, maybe I’ll power through the day, maybe I’ll book a flight and go home for a while just to hug my Grandpa, I don’t know for now….

Anyway, have a great Sunday and tell all the special people in your life you love them, give them a big hug too ❤️❤️

I felt like I could breathe again after writing that, the lump in my throat didn’t feel so painful anymore.  I do this thing when I cry, I  gently pat my chest with my right hand to self-soothe and I tell myself it’ll be ok over and over again “it’s ok, don’t cry, it’s ok” and slowly, I started to feel calm.

How to cope

I didn’t let the way I felt defeat me completely.  I had to make sure I kept going or I knew if I didn’t, it would take me days or even weeks to recover.  That usually means cancelling all my plans with friends or family, not going to the gym, eating like there’s no tomorrow and just not giving a care about myself or anyone else which can impact everyone around me negatively. So here are some things I did to make my sad day a productive one, hopefully this can help someone else too:

  • I cried it out.  I just sat on my bedroom floor and cried my little heart out.  I always feel so much better after a good cry, there’s so much relief and it’s like all those feelings just flow out of me.
  • I cleaned my house from top to bottom.  This is my coping mechanism when I’m feeling out of sorts or if I’m frustrated about something.  I believe that a clean environment helps me think a little clearer and I can power through the day if my house is clean.
  • I did a 30 minute yoga session. Yoga has an incredible way of strengthening you and making you vulnerable enough to let go of any negative feelings at the same time.
  • After my cleaning spree, I decided to give myself a spa day right here at home. Full body exfoliation, face mask, steam, and ended it with a full soak in the bath with the Ambient Chill playlist from Spotify. I felt wonderful!!
  • I wore my pyjamas all day. This brings me so much comfort. The set I’m wearing in these pictures is from TK Maxx. My Instagram friends know all about my relationship with this store!!
  • I prepped a meal for a delicious roast dinner. Nothing is more soothing than being in the kitchen knowing you’re cooking up a storm for everyone to enjoy.
  • Lastly, I had the courage to write this blogpost. It’s one of the most therapeutic posts I’ve written and it feels beautiful to just type all my negative emotions away and turn them into something fulfilling and positive.

I’m mentally exhausted but I know tomorrow will be much better because I decided to go through all the emotions I was meant to go through today rather than pretend they were not there, I’ve learnt not to say I’m OK when I’m not. I also turned the day around by doing little things that I knew would surely make me feel chirpier, you should see the bathrooms, they are spotless ha!! It’s absolutely OK to feel this way, you’re not weak, you’re not being silly, you’re being human!! Embrace it all and make way for good emotions to pour in. Take your time with healing and always do what’s best for you, it’s the only way to conquer those feelings. It all starts with you being true to yourself.

Have a beautiful week and enjoy it !!

Love,

Nat xx